Special Edition: Tea Party

Bishophrenia: Special Edition

Midgar was sitting around in her dormitory, clicking through web comics because nobody was online, when suddenly she got an idea.

“I am bored as fuck,” Midgar announced. “I am going to have a tea party!”

“Oooh!” squealed Nuriko. “A tea party!”

“Wai!” said Zoisite, who was happy because he (as usual) had had sex that morning.

Midgar nodded smartly and scooted over to the fridge with her butt still lazily planted in her wheel-less chair. “Lemme see… I don’t have any tea! Dammit!”

Shuu lolled on the floor and rolled away from her so she wouldn’t squish him. “You have lots of Pepsi…” he offered blandly. Shuu had not had sex that morning, but Seiji had kissed him for no apparent reason and snuggled him for a while so he was feeling very confused and pensive. His crush on the blonde swordsman seemed to get worse every day and it made people nauseated.

“Pepsi is good!” chimed in Vash the Stampede. Vash the Stampede was in a very good mood because he had had sex with Nicholas D. Wolfwood the day before. Wolfy and Vash didn’t get to have sex very often because Vash’s crazy genocidal twin brother Knives had a crush on him and monopolized all of Vash’s time, and because POK, who was Wolfy’s player, had a shitty schedule and her dad hogged the computer a lot.

“Caffeine…” moaned a red-eyed Xelloss in an eerie voice. Many people did not realize that the Mazoku was almost as badly addicted to caffeine as his chimera boyfriend. This was probably because Zelgadiss drank coffee, while Xelloss preferred tea. Perhaps nobody knew that Xelloss was also caffeine addicted except for Midgar, her bishies, and the Ryuuzoku-Mazoku formerly known as Valgaav, because he had been screwing Xelloss since before almost any of the other bishies were born… But we’re not going to go there right now.

“There’s caffeine in Pepsi,” Zoisite assured him, petting his head.

“Caffeine…” Xelloss whimpered.

Karon stomped out, dressed in a skimpy blue gauze mini-loincloth and glared around foully with his colorless eyes. “Could someone please be so kind,” the lord of Hell hissed sibilantly, “As to explain why you find it necessary to be so noisy whilst I am trying to sleep?”

Several bishies sweat dropped. It was six-ten in the afternoon.

“We’re having a tea party!” Nuriko exclaimed.

“With Pepsi,” Vash added.

“Caffeine…” whined Xelloss.

“And Little Debbie Cakes!” shouted Midgar triumphantly, as she had just located her last box of them in a drawer where her mom had hidden them during her last visit.

Karon wrinkled his nose. “You have all gone mad, I daresay,” he scoffed, retreating back into the wardrobe as Zoisite and Shuu wrestled for the first pack of Debbie Cakes Midgar had flung in their direction. Zoisite was using his fingernails and making Shuu whine and bite at him.

Tasuki stumbled out of the other wardrobe, and no one paid much attention to the whimpering J-rocker (Gackt) who pleaded for freedom from its depths. “I smell Pepsi,” the bandit mumbled. “Why wasn’t I invited?”

“Of course you’re invited, Tasuki-chan!” Nuriko exclaimed.

“It’s a bishounen tea party!” Vash added.

“Caffeine…” whined Xelloss, popping open a can of Pepsi and gulping it down in desperation.

Nakago sulked. He had been chained to the bedpost months ago to keep him from attacking the other bishounen after he got lonely waiting for K-chan to bring his Tamahome back to him. Nakago had gotten very good at sulking, since being chained to a bedpost all day long didn’t offer him much freedom to do anything else. He sat there in his blue silk shirt with his tight blue pants and sulked and blew his bangs and sulked and leered at Tasuki and Nuriko and sulked and sulked and sulked sullenly all the livelong day. Nakago looked sexy when he sulked, so he practiced sulking with a mirror. He looked so sexy, sitting there chained and sulking, that Midgar had had to put up a sign next to him. The sign was very beautiful, as Midgar had done it in a pretty font.

The Sign: “Please do not feed the bears.”

“Dammit, sign!” yelled Midgar. “That’s not what you’re supposed to say!”

The Sign: “Please do not hump Nakago. He’s on restriction from sex because he left bruises on Haruto’s-...”

“Dammit, sign!” screamed the bishmaster general angrily. “Say it right! And stop trying to start wars between Nakago and Akahanten!”

Haruto blushed crimson and buried his face in his hands. “Oh my God…”

The Sign: “DO NOT TOUCH ON PENALTY OF CELIBACY.”

And the sign worked, because none of Midgar’s bishies ever wanted to go without sex.

“You daaaaamn right!” chorused the bishies… Except for Haruto and Seimore, who were both virgins and who promptly burst into tears. Remy was a virgin, too, but he was off in his own room, playing Ultima Online, to which he was secretly addicted. It was a secret because he did not want Faolan, who had a crush on him, to know that he liked Renaissance Faire type stuff, too, and UO is a medieval type game. Besides, he probably wouldn’t have burst into tears anyway, he was too sarcastic. His eye might have twitched. In fact, his eye did twitch, and he was puzzled at it for all of seven seconds.

Midgar sweat dropped and went back to her Debbie Cake.

Eriol was flipping through a book of costume patterns he had borrowed from Tomoyo to see if he could make something cute for Clef that would be easier to strip off him than the damn multi-layered robes his guru boyfriend insisted on wearing. Yue was sulking from his perch on the top bunk, where Kero and Suppi were playing checkers. Suppi was winning and Kero was swearing and Nakuru was helping Eriol look at patterns.

Sanosuke was lying out on the roof, working on his tan.

“Here, no da!” Midgiya, Midgar’s smiling faced, kawaii, hentai, voyeuristic trickster priest, said to Yue, handing him a book. The Moon Card’s face slowly broke into a smile as he sprawled out on the bed.

“What was that?” asked Shuu curiously, gesturing, with a Rice Krispie treat in one hand and a can of Pepsi in the other, to Yue.

“Final Fantasy IX yaoi, no da!” chirped Midgiya. Kuja was Yue’s uke.

“Oh!” Shuu grinned.

Nuriko drank his Pepsi and showed off his sketchbook to Vash.

“Your fiancé sure is pretty,” Vash told him, eating a donut. “You’re a lucky guy.”

”I know,” Nuriko reflected dreamily, caressing the outline of Marron’s cheek in the picture.

Rokou, Nuriko’s big brother, was flipping through Midgar’s Rurouni Kenshin art books on the bed. Kenshin was Rokou’s seme.

Yukito ate all of the leftover pizza and then the trail mix and Doritos and Cheetos in Midgar’s stash drawer and then drank three Pepsis. Midgar’s Gundam Boys, Duo, Duo, Heero2, Wufei1, and Trowa2, all stared at him like he was from outer space.

And then Yahoo! Messenger was possessed by demons. Midgar was horrified.

“DAMMIT!” she shouted again. Midgar was notorious for saying ‘dammit.’ She said it a lot. She said it so much that when her roommates, siblings or friends were doing impressions of her, they added it to the end of every sentence. Whenever someone else said it, she figured they were mocking her and blushed sheepishly, rather like her father did when they teased him for picking his nose with his pinkie or having big ears like Mighty Mouse.

“Here I come, to save the daaaaay!” sang Midgar’s mom, Beryl-hime, mocking him.

Somewhere in the Carribean, Midgar’s dad, Gutts, winced.

“Your father,” announced Midgar’s mom, Beryl-hime, “Is a slimy, contemptible sewer rat.”

“We know, Mom,” said Midgar’s brother, Krillin.

“But what the bloody fucking shit does that have to do with anything?” demanded Midgar’s sister, Milly.

“I don’t really know,” Beryl-hime, Midgar’s mom, admitted. “I just felt compelled to say it.”

Krillin, Midgar’s beloved otouto, sighed and went back to trying to coax Evil Bessie, their computer, to play his new copy of Red Alert 2.

“Jesus shit!” complained Milly, Midgar’s kid sister. “Midgar must be putting us in a fanfiction or some such stupidness! Argh!”

“That would explain your filthy mouth today, Suzie Smartass,” scowled Beryl-hime, pouring an obscene amount of Prell shampoo into it and making her gag.

Two hundred miles away, at college, Midgar smirked and drank her Pepsi, surrounded by her beloved bishies in her dark and spooky evil lair, which was really her dorm room.

“Dammit! Yawhore!” she scowled at Yahoo!, which was still being uncooperative. “This fic was supposed to be over by now but I can’t end it because I don’t have anything else to do!”

“You could study for your psych exam,” Julia suggested with a smirk. Julia had graduated from the Wicked Stepsister School of Suitemates and was very good at making evil suggestions. Midgar scowled at her and let Nuriko hold Nakago’s leash while he chased Julia away.

Several minutes later, Midgar cried. Nuriko cried. Zoisite cried. Yukito cried. Yue and Silence’s wings slumped. Shuu didn’t cry, but he started moping again. Vash sniffled. Eriol pouted. Xelloss drooped. Sanosuke sulked. Chibi-Sano sulked too. Sephiroth brooded. Tasuki whined. The Gundam Boys stared at the walls listlessly. Remy was still playing UO.

Yawhore was being mean and did not want them all to see their respective kois. It wouldn’t even let them on the message boards. And they were out of cake and candy, except for the Pocky Midgar was saving for the summer, since no place in her hometown sold Pocky. Without the other Saviors and their bishounen, the Pepsi had gone both warm and flat. Midgar and her bishies were miserable. They tried everything. Java Messenger. Rebooting Minerva. Rebooting Minerva again. Closing every other program but Netbastard and then running Yawhore. Nothing worked. It was very frustrating. It was so frustrating that Midgar got tired of fighting with the computer and finished cleaning her room. The end.